New Plans and Rewards

      You know how you feel when you want to change and yet you have as much resistance as you have desire for that change? That’s how I feel. There are things that have become habits for me. Inactivity. Procrastination. Putting off what would help me the most. That kind of stuff that is so mind-numbing.

     This morning I was going to get up and clean my apartment from stem to stern and then clean up my email inboxes and my messy desktop. But I read till too late last night – you know, that part of the book where all the ends start getting wrapped up and you can’t stop till you know how it’s going to play out. And I lost my get-up-and-go and I have lots of errands to run today, have to, and I promised I wouldn’t look at Facebook but I did (at least only just 15 minutes). And it’s already 9:30 and I – hm, I guess I have more time than I thought.

     Tomorrow I go for blood work early without coffee or food. I may take on some small jobs in the house today.

     I promised myself this about writing blog posts this week:  If I can write 3 times this week, I get a star. 4 times and I get a salted caramel chocolate thingie at Starbucks. Ohhhhh. 5 times and I get to buy an outfit at Macy’s. 6 times, new shirts for spring from Target. All week, I get a new pair of shoes, too, from Naturalizer or Nordstrom or Easy Spirit.

     I want those shoes. Change is coming, folks.

Being Tired

      I've been incredibly tired in the past week. I finally remembered I'm taking a new medication (to reduce my chance of recurrence of breast cancer) and it has added a layer of fatigue to my usual fatigue from liver disease. Last night I decided I had to have some concrete goals for this morning or I'd never make it out of bed. So I did it and it worked. I accomplished some tasks, even did some housework, and got my hair shampooed. Little things. But big when I feel this tired.

     I'm signed up for an online writing challenge for February. It doesn't involved much time and just a daily commitment to write – not so hard, right? Wrong! I'm  discovering just how much energy creativity requires. I'm so far below that bar, and I can't remember ever being this low. What to do? I keep writing twice a day. I write what I can to the level of energy I have at the moment. And I have this grand plan to build energy by exercising every day. Build on that. Use it. Set myself up to be creative by reading good books, going to good movies, visiting art museums and galleries. And hang out with other creatives.

     Creativity exists in so many places. A great business idea. A new way of organizing to see a new perspective. Seeing a new perspective and feeling it. Childraising methods that are new and fanciful, whimsical. Writing your own blog. Posting a creative, thoughtful status on Facebook. Lots and lots of places and methods. What is your form of creativity? Everyone has one...or more.

     Back to reading on the couch. Send me a little juice!

Being Proactive

     I'm going to hire a very part-time secretary to help me with all my paperwork. Especially with setting up a new file cabinet I'm getting soon. I have too many bad days to be able to keep up. I'm also hiring my handyman Dave to help me set up my office. I still have boxes to unpack, and pictures to hang, including some big ones! It's just too much for the amount of energy I have. I don't really understand it, but I've had this increasing fatigue for a few years now – a "gift" of the liver disease. I have to get proactive.

     Last week I had a very good week but this week I've already been down two days in a row. I don't get it. Oh, I think I said that already. I have learned this lesson over and over, though: be kind, be gentle to yourself. And that's a message I want you, my readers, to hear, too.

     That's how we should all treat ourselves. I'm not promoting laziness and not fighting back when times get tough. But there are times to "buck up" and to fight back, and there are times that those terms mean something else you should be doing. Like being nice to Number One. When you're hurting for a long time (grieving, in physical pain, worried about how best to help an elderly parent or a child having problems at school), you need breaks now and then to build yourself back up mentally, physically, and spiritually. Sometimes it leads to being able to see a new perspective, recognize a solution you had overlooked.

     I've very happy to report that I found a dietitian on my wavelength who will coach me to be the most well-nourished and happy vegan in the West. When I told her that I tell people that I am a "vegan today," she said that was perfect. She believes in following your intuition (like when I get a hankering for broccoli-cheddar soup at Panera) and checking out how it makes me feel. (Wonderful!) She also told me I need B12 and some other stuff. And she's just so upbeat and friendly.

     I still believe that a vegan diet can help improve my health. Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis (PSC) is not a lot of fun. I have special itch lotion loaded with menthol and camphor that I only put on at night because I smell like a walking ad for BenGay. I have nausea with too much frequency. I take candied ginger for that. It works but I still lose my appetite. I haven't been in the hospital for an infection of the bile ducts (cholangitis) in close to two years, so that's good news. And then there's the fatigue. I'm going to get some help so I don't feel so overwhelmed. Maybe then I can write more, rather than having to do paperwork when I'm feeling well – and that's all.

Reading and Studying I Have Done and Still Am Doing

     I have launched into an investigation into healing, cancer, liver disease, diet and nutrition, and living well. It started with checking out Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr from the library and reading it straight-through. She gives a lot of great ideas about how to live with the diagnosis and to take a healing and wellness attitude toward it. That has affected me the most. She also underlines the need for a good, nutritious diet that is plant-based. She started out vegetarian and is now completely vegan. There are a lot of links to other informative websites and books, so I've been branching out from there. Kris is a young cancer survivor (diagnosed at 31) so she has a spunkiness and vitality that I needed to hook up to. She has a Facebook page (Crazy Sexy Cancer), so look her up. Especially if you have cancer and need a lift and some inspiration to fight back.

     Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman (MD) is one of the first diet books I read about veganism and using it to cure -- yes, cure as in heal and get rid of -- diseases and afflictions. He covers heart disease, high cholesterol and other indicators of oncoming heart disorders, diabetes, cancer, and many other chronic conditions that are a result of the Standard American Diet (SAD). It is SAD! We can all make adjustments to our diets to make them healthier without having to go all the way vegan. Add more fresh fruits and especially green vegetables to your diet today. Try to get organic, but if you can't, just eat the fruits and veggies you like and can find. Frozen ones are good, too. And cut out sodas - they deplete your bone density with this stuff called phosphoric acid that's in every soda container! Seriously. Hey, I still drink coffee and love my Starbucks, but I just do it moderately. You know? But not the sodas.

     Right now I'm reading a book by Uri Geller (you know, the spoonbender?) about mind power and he has some very unique things to offer everyone. His mind and abilities have been studied at the National Institute of Health and his intuitive and mental powers have been used by the FBI, the CIA, and even our State Department in important international negotiations. All he has to do at those meetings is to sit there and send positive thought waves to our opponents on important points! His book is called Mind Power. I don't like the writing so much, a bit dry and technical in some places, but he had someone helping him write it. His own voice doesn't come through as clearly as it should. A good, informative read, though, for anyone trying to get a better grip on life.

     I choose every morning when I get up to be happy and to have a good day. That is my mental workout. I have a lot to be happy about and grateful for. Today, I am thankful for everyone who read this post. Oh, what did this vegan have for breakfast? Ezekiel sprouted whole wheat bread toasted and spread with organic peanut butter and a blackberry fruit spread (no sugar), two Cutie oranges, and a green drink made by Bolthouse (sort of like Naked Juice). Yum!

     Be well. And happy.

A Beautiful Day

     After all the very cold and snowy weather over the past week in Denver, the temperature is finally going up over 40 degrees today. I just walked outside to check my mailbox and I felt the warmth from the bright sunshine.

     I also slept a nearly normal night last night and got up at the reasonable hour of 6:30 a.m. Violet has been sitting in the sun nearly all morning. We are happy creatures.

     I thought of going to a movie but will wait for the weekend and possibly find someone to go with. I want to see The Descendants with George Clooney, filmed in Honolulu. A friend of mine here who was living in Honolulu at the same time I was said it has lots of familiar scenes of the city of Honolulu, and not just of Waikiki. I look forward to seeing it.

      I will go grocery shopping today. Just enough to accommodate my limited facilities. My furniture arrives Friday or Saturday and that will make a big difference in life around here. I have times when I'm scared and overwhelmed by what I have done ... !!! This is one of those times. But I will make it through and everything will work out fine.

     Stay tuned. And enjoy whatever weather you are having right now. It's proof you are alive.

Friday, November 4

     Yesterday turned out to be very weird, since my friend Lindy I was supposed to be staying with ended up in the hospital after a heart thing at the end of a yoga class. Beware yoga! The docs still aren't sure what happened to her. My friend Adrienne called this morning and offered (as long as I did dishes) to let me stay with her and her husband and two young daughters. Yippee! Lindy is still on my mind and I stay in touch with her and her fiance.

     I had blood tests today at the hospital for the liver folks. I asked them to check my platelets, too. By the way, I took Deanne Smith's advice and had RED MEAT last night for dinner. I think I'm going to start feeling better soon.

     I rode the bus from the hospital and to a park'n'ride, spent a little bit of time downtown at noon. It was great people-watching – lots of characters, smart young women, important looking men, ordinary people, all moving, moving, moving. I'm looking forward to my return to Denver, and hope I can survive the move itself. All looks well, so far.

     And now, dear friends, I am going to nap.

Thursday

     Someone suggested to me yesterday that I write a daily blog and then I will have a history of what went on during this time. The last couple of days I've been feeling really tired and on the depressed side of things. The fatigue was reminding me of my liver disease and how tired it makes and that compounded the depressed feelings. I need more coffee!!!
    
     I went to see the medical oncologist 2 days ago and he had good news for me. I am cancer-free now and he said if I had chosen lumpectomy, they would probably need to perform more surgery. I'm not thrilled I chose mastectomy, but I think it was the right choice for me with my tiny boobies. The doctor also said he believed I would not need chemo, which was very good to hear. We will get an Oncotype result back in a couple of weeks. The lab that does this looks at the tissue from a molecular level and can tell aggressiveness of the cancer and other things. Still, Dr. Kabos doesn't believe it will hold any surprises for me. My platelet count could be affected by some types of chemo, and he wants to avoid that if possible. Normal platelets are around 150,000 and mine were 68,000 going into surgery (from the liver disease). This puts me at risk to bleed. Anyone know any recipes for building platelets???

     I'm fighting my sadness with music, writing, reading, and lots of sleep. I don't want to take any more pills. Oh, coffee is prescribed, too. The friends I'm staying with now don't drink coffee, but I'm moving to another friend's house today and she has the C stuff. Yay!