Showing Myself

I find it so difficult to write even a Facebook post sometimes. To reveal myself. Today I went for a long walk and I thought about this problem. Then I discovered thoughts of a good friend of mine, Adrienne, who reveals herself all the time. To the world. I'll never forget her showing off her tattoos while we were at work together in the Writing Center at Community College of Denver. And she pointed to a beauty on her ankle and said, in full voice (she never whispers), "I got that after I got my master's degree." In Medieval Literature, folks. She's everything and she tells it all. Once she came late to work and said she was at the doctor's office. "I love to go to the doctor. I get all the attention." She says stuff that we all think and hold close to our hearts, but wouldn't dare claim. Not Adrienne. She is out there. When she's happy, you know. When she's sad, you know about it.

Adrienne told me about having cancer 9 years ago in her hospital bed. She's a fighter. I didn't even blink. Adrienne's got this; but I told others in our tight little group to visit her and call her. She called me one night last week and said it was back. Nine fucking years. No one gets off when cancer has you in its sites. I hate cancer. And I don't want my very good friend Adrienne to have to go through all the crap she will have to in order to survive this shit again. She represents to so many people who we want to be like – ourselves, in the raw, naked, out there, saying exactly what she believes. We want our essences to be seen. Adrienne's essence – I saw it and heard it from the first time she opened her mouth and revealed her gigantic heart – is always set on True A.

I want to be known for me the way Adrienne is known for herself. And I want her around for a long, long, long time. She will because so many people love her the way I do, too. She's an atheist so don't pray for her. Send her light and humor and great gobs of healing energy. I love Adrienne.

Checking In

I’ve been numb for some time now. Lately I have found myself making my day “busy” so that I don’t feel the pain of my existence. I don’t tend toward optimism, never have. I came out of the oven a sad cake – one that fell and mushed together in the middle.

Here are some things I don’t like. I’ve been sick for six-and-a-half years now. It doesn’t get easier and, in fact, more difficult and complicated – in all ways (physical, spiritual, financial). I got breast cancer on top of the liver disease. Now I’m taking medication that gives me hot flashes all night long to add to the night sweats I have anyway from liver disease.

Here are some things I like. Being vegan and proud of making that choice (even though I cheat sometimes and even ate a hamburger and fries recently). Living about half a block from Cherry Creek at one of its wildest spots as it meanders through Denver. Walking along the creek in the morning under the shade trees. Having friendly neighbors and living in a tree-lined, single-story brick community of about 100 people.  Violet the Cat is my little tuxedo treasure, even when she runs off on 20-minute-long adventures that frighten the hell out of me.

That middle part of the sad cake? It reminds me of pudding cake, where all the good, yummy, tasty, rich things fell.

Thursday

     Someone suggested to me yesterday that I write a daily blog and then I will have a history of what went on during this time. The last couple of days I've been feeling really tired and on the depressed side of things. The fatigue was reminding me of my liver disease and how tired it makes and that compounded the depressed feelings. I need more coffee!!!
    
     I went to see the medical oncologist 2 days ago and he had good news for me. I am cancer-free now and he said if I had chosen lumpectomy, they would probably need to perform more surgery. I'm not thrilled I chose mastectomy, but I think it was the right choice for me with my tiny boobies. The doctor also said he believed I would not need chemo, which was very good to hear. We will get an Oncotype result back in a couple of weeks. The lab that does this looks at the tissue from a molecular level and can tell aggressiveness of the cancer and other things. Still, Dr. Kabos doesn't believe it will hold any surprises for me. My platelet count could be affected by some types of chemo, and he wants to avoid that if possible. Normal platelets are around 150,000 and mine were 68,000 going into surgery (from the liver disease). This puts me at risk to bleed. Anyone know any recipes for building platelets???

     I'm fighting my sadness with music, writing, reading, and lots of sleep. I don't want to take any more pills. Oh, coffee is prescribed, too. The friends I'm staying with now don't drink coffee, but I'm moving to another friend's house today and she has the C stuff. Yay!

Nutritarianism and Health

I heard a new term today, the latest in food and health -- a nutritarian, not just a vegan. I had my first vegan meal tonight...well, except for a little butter to go with the delicious cornbread with no dairy or egg. I think it's the first of many vegan and nutritious meals. I'm going to call someone tomorrow who was told by doctors that there was nothing else they could do, and he needed to go home and spend the rest of his very short life with his family. That was two years ago and he's back at work now.

I want to believe in miracles, in turning my life around with healthy eating. I promise not to rant. I'm not a good rant-er besides. I'm skeptical, very much so. But other things have happened because of prayer and love and yes, good diet.

Stay with me. Tomorrow I go to see a nurse at the Breast Center and she will remove the dressing. I found myself ready to break down into sadness, felt the tears pushing up, but I was too tired to let it happen. It will come, and I will ride the wave and move to the next place soon enough.

Cancer Sucks

I don't want anyone to think I'm just going around with this big ol' grin on my face and having a great time, and that the only addition I have is Lance the Lump. Nope. I got a new radiology report on last week's MRI of my liver (Oliver) and it says further investigation should be done. Crape!

All I can say is that I have symptoms:  dramatic drops in blood sugar (in public if that's what I happen to be doing at the time), inexplicable loss of weight, wanting to eat every bit of food in sight (keep a close eye on your plate or I will suck up your food, too), body aches (that really pisses me off), fatigue (as if Oliver didn't give me enough), and headaches. Yesterday I had a drastic drop in blood sugar while visiting the Butterfly Pavilion with Adrienne and her 2 daughters. I was able to hold Rosie the Tarantula in my hand before my blood sugar went bye-bye.

Adrienne took immediate charge and guided me to some snacks and a sugary drink and then took me home and fed me a sandwich and chocolate-mint ice cream that I wanted simultaneously, and apple slices. Nap time after that. Big Nap. Adrienne is a breast cancer survivor (5+ years) and has been extremely helpful and supportive.

I will be posting daily while I'm in Denver. Much is happening every day. And night. I can't sleep at night. Sucks. I signed up for the November Novel Writing Month yesterday. Write 50,000 words in a novel form over 30 days. It'll be interesting to see what evolves during that month with my writing. I have some ideas, and I'm collecting images to inspire my writing.

Love to you all, and thank you for your support and love and care. Life IS good and I will pass this period sooner than I imagine now.