Monday, April 30, 2012
Violet went crazy around 3:00 a.m. this morning. I'm not sure what set her off; I may have come up a notch or two toward the sleep-wake threshold. She came flying across my lightly sleeping body, murmured something near my face, then jumped off the bed and skittered into the living room. She returned to me before I fell asleep again as if to say she was sorry. She was already softer, slower, gentler. When I awoke an hour later with a headache, she was sympathetic and soothing, only barely touching me as she laid down beside me. Her black-and-white catness delights me, even in pain.
Monday, April 23, 2012
I’ve been numb for some time now. Lately I have found myself making my day “busy” so that I don’t feel the pain of my existence. I don’t tend toward optimism, never have. I came out of the oven a sad cake – one that fell and mushed together in the middle.
Here are some things I don’t like. I’ve been sick for six-and-a-half years now. It doesn’t get easier and, in fact, more difficult and complicated – in all ways (physical, spiritual, financial). I got breast cancer on top of the liver disease. Now I’m taking medication that gives me hot flashes all night long to add to the night sweats I have anyway from liver disease.
Here are some things I like. Being vegan and proud of making that choice (even though I cheat sometimes and even ate a hamburger and fries recently). Living about half a block from Cherry Creek at one of its wildest spots as it meanders through Denver. Walking along the creek in the morning under the shade trees. Having friendly neighbors and living in a tree-lined, single-story brick community of about 100 people. Violet the Cat is my little tuxedo treasure, even when she runs off on 20-minute-long adventures that frighten the hell out of me.
That middle part of the sad cake? It reminds me of pudding cake, where all the good, yummy, tasty, rich things fell.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Did you ever want about 10 seconds of comfort (ah, I'm sorry that happened to you)? And somehow what keeps arriving is advice on how to be better organized, how to handle such things in the future, etc., etc., etc. I'm strong, but I'm not that strong. Mostly I'm just human and can only conjure up human-sized strength. Oh, sometimes not even that. Also, I know how to find the silver lining in most situations. Really. I do. But sometimes the silver shines through the tears.