Being Proactive

     I'm going to hire a very part-time secretary to help me with all my paperwork. Especially with setting up a new file cabinet I'm getting soon. I have too many bad days to be able to keep up. I'm also hiring my handyman Dave to help me set up my office. I still have boxes to unpack, and pictures to hang, including some big ones! It's just too much for the amount of energy I have. I don't really understand it, but I've had this increasing fatigue for a few years now – a "gift" of the liver disease. I have to get proactive.

     Last week I had a very good week but this week I've already been down two days in a row. I don't get it. Oh, I think I said that already. I have learned this lesson over and over, though: be kind, be gentle to yourself. And that's a message I want you, my readers, to hear, too.

     That's how we should all treat ourselves. I'm not promoting laziness and not fighting back when times get tough. But there are times to "buck up" and to fight back, and there are times that those terms mean something else you should be doing. Like being nice to Number One. When you're hurting for a long time (grieving, in physical pain, worried about how best to help an elderly parent or a child having problems at school), you need breaks now and then to build yourself back up mentally, physically, and spiritually. Sometimes it leads to being able to see a new perspective, recognize a solution you had overlooked.

     I've very happy to report that I found a dietitian on my wavelength who will coach me to be the most well-nourished and happy vegan in the West. When I told her that I tell people that I am a "vegan today," she said that was perfect. She believes in following your intuition (like when I get a hankering for broccoli-cheddar soup at Panera) and checking out how it makes me feel. (Wonderful!) She also told me I need B12 and some other stuff. And she's just so upbeat and friendly.

     I still believe that a vegan diet can help improve my health. Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis (PSC) is not a lot of fun. I have special itch lotion loaded with menthol and camphor that I only put on at night because I smell like a walking ad for BenGay. I have nausea with too much frequency. I take candied ginger for that. It works but I still lose my appetite. I haven't been in the hospital for an infection of the bile ducts (cholangitis) in close to two years, so that's good news. And then there's the fatigue. I'm going to get some help so I don't feel so overwhelmed. Maybe then I can write more, rather than having to do paperwork when I'm feeling well – and that's all.

Reading and Studying I Have Done and Still Am Doing

     I have launched into an investigation into healing, cancer, liver disease, diet and nutrition, and living well. It started with checking out Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr from the library and reading it straight-through. She gives a lot of great ideas about how to live with the diagnosis and to take a healing and wellness attitude toward it. That has affected me the most. She also underlines the need for a good, nutritious diet that is plant-based. She started out vegetarian and is now completely vegan. There are a lot of links to other informative websites and books, so I've been branching out from there. Kris is a young cancer survivor (diagnosed at 31) so she has a spunkiness and vitality that I needed to hook up to. She has a Facebook page (Crazy Sexy Cancer), so look her up. Especially if you have cancer and need a lift and some inspiration to fight back.

     Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman (MD) is one of the first diet books I read about veganism and using it to cure -- yes, cure as in heal and get rid of -- diseases and afflictions. He covers heart disease, high cholesterol and other indicators of oncoming heart disorders, diabetes, cancer, and many other chronic conditions that are a result of the Standard American Diet (SAD). It is SAD! We can all make adjustments to our diets to make them healthier without having to go all the way vegan. Add more fresh fruits and especially green vegetables to your diet today. Try to get organic, but if you can't, just eat the fruits and veggies you like and can find. Frozen ones are good, too. And cut out sodas - they deplete your bone density with this stuff called phosphoric acid that's in every soda container! Seriously. Hey, I still drink coffee and love my Starbucks, but I just do it moderately. You know? But not the sodas.

     Right now I'm reading a book by Uri Geller (you know, the spoonbender?) about mind power and he has some very unique things to offer everyone. His mind and abilities have been studied at the National Institute of Health and his intuitive and mental powers have been used by the FBI, the CIA, and even our State Department in important international negotiations. All he has to do at those meetings is to sit there and send positive thought waves to our opponents on important points! His book is called Mind Power. I don't like the writing so much, a bit dry and technical in some places, but he had someone helping him write it. His own voice doesn't come through as clearly as it should. A good, informative read, though, for anyone trying to get a better grip on life.

     I choose every morning when I get up to be happy and to have a good day. That is my mental workout. I have a lot to be happy about and grateful for. Today, I am thankful for everyone who read this post. Oh, what did this vegan have for breakfast? Ezekiel sprouted whole wheat bread toasted and spread with organic peanut butter and a blackberry fruit spread (no sugar), two Cutie oranges, and a green drink made by Bolthouse (sort of like Naked Juice). Yum!

     Be well. And happy.

A Beautiful Day

     After all the very cold and snowy weather over the past week in Denver, the temperature is finally going up over 40 degrees today. I just walked outside to check my mailbox and I felt the warmth from the bright sunshine.

     I also slept a nearly normal night last night and got up at the reasonable hour of 6:30 a.m. Violet has been sitting in the sun nearly all morning. We are happy creatures.

     I thought of going to a movie but will wait for the weekend and possibly find someone to go with. I want to see The Descendants with George Clooney, filmed in Honolulu. A friend of mine here who was living in Honolulu at the same time I was said it has lots of familiar scenes of the city of Honolulu, and not just of Waikiki. I look forward to seeing it.

      I will go grocery shopping today. Just enough to accommodate my limited facilities. My furniture arrives Friday or Saturday and that will make a big difference in life around here. I have times when I'm scared and overwhelmed by what I have done ... !!! This is one of those times. But I will make it through and everything will work out fine.

     Stay tuned. And enjoy whatever weather you are having right now. It's proof you are alive.

Friday, November 4

     Yesterday turned out to be very weird, since my friend Lindy I was supposed to be staying with ended up in the hospital after a heart thing at the end of a yoga class. Beware yoga! The docs still aren't sure what happened to her. My friend Adrienne called this morning and offered (as long as I did dishes) to let me stay with her and her husband and two young daughters. Yippee! Lindy is still on my mind and I stay in touch with her and her fiance.

     I had blood tests today at the hospital for the liver folks. I asked them to check my platelets, too. By the way, I took Deanne Smith's advice and had RED MEAT last night for dinner. I think I'm going to start feeling better soon.

     I rode the bus from the hospital and to a park'n'ride, spent a little bit of time downtown at noon. It was great people-watching – lots of characters, smart young women, important looking men, ordinary people, all moving, moving, moving. I'm looking forward to my return to Denver, and hope I can survive the move itself. All looks well, so far.

     And now, dear friends, I am going to nap.

Thursday

     Someone suggested to me yesterday that I write a daily blog and then I will have a history of what went on during this time. The last couple of days I've been feeling really tired and on the depressed side of things. The fatigue was reminding me of my liver disease and how tired it makes and that compounded the depressed feelings. I need more coffee!!!
    
     I went to see the medical oncologist 2 days ago and he had good news for me. I am cancer-free now and he said if I had chosen lumpectomy, they would probably need to perform more surgery. I'm not thrilled I chose mastectomy, but I think it was the right choice for me with my tiny boobies. The doctor also said he believed I would not need chemo, which was very good to hear. We will get an Oncotype result back in a couple of weeks. The lab that does this looks at the tissue from a molecular level and can tell aggressiveness of the cancer and other things. Still, Dr. Kabos doesn't believe it will hold any surprises for me. My platelet count could be affected by some types of chemo, and he wants to avoid that if possible. Normal platelets are around 150,000 and mine were 68,000 going into surgery (from the liver disease). This puts me at risk to bleed. Anyone know any recipes for building platelets???

     I'm fighting my sadness with music, writing, reading, and lots of sleep. I don't want to take any more pills. Oh, coffee is prescribed, too. The friends I'm staying with now don't drink coffee, but I'm moving to another friend's house today and she has the C stuff. Yay!

     I received a call from my surgeon yesterday and she had the results of my pathology report. Even though we're still talking about a cancerous growth in my body, the news was optimistic. The tumor was larger than originally believed (1.7 cm on biopsy and PET scan), at 2.2 cm. (I was shocked by that. I let that thing grow in my body for probably 2 years at the least.) It had clear margins and, best of all, there were no cancerous lymph nodes. There is no radiation recommended. Now the lab will run an onco-type and look for the genetics in the tumor (???) and make recommendations for chemo or no chemo based on what they learn.  Tomorrow the Liver Transplant Committee will take a look at the pathology report and come back with their suggestions and possibly a timeline. At least here in Denver, I feel like I have my care teams based in the same building and on the same computer system.
     I don't like having all these care teams and health problems, though. I think certain factors (high levels of stress from long-experienced PTSD) have pointed me in the direction of an impaired immune system and resulting auto-immune disorders beginning at age 40 with a diagnosis of asthma. I ultimately cleared that with the help of a naturopath and diet (removing all sugar and clearing long-abiding fungus infections). Then came impaired white blood cell production, possibly from taking Dilantin for seizures for 20 years, and that remains. If I get an infection in my body, my WBCs don't balloon up in number to fight it off; I've added this important piece of information to my health history I carry with me all the time. Next came the liver disease. And now the cancer. Both of those are auto-immune disorders.
     I'll be doing a lot more research into this topic of PTSD and later auto-immune disorders. I think in the meantime I need to do all the things recommended to me for years but never followed through -- meditation, yoga, vegetarianism and now vegan or nutritarian. That last term always gives me a giggle. "I'm a nutritarian," she said snidely, followed by a subtle but distinct sniff as if she were checking me for meat smells.
     Plans continue for a departure party for me with my new-found friends in Florida. I feel like I made friends with Florida this time around. Violet the Cat certainly likes it and she will miss that big front yard she made her own. I wonder what she will think of snow.
    I'll write again in a day or so. Maybe some recipes of a nutritarian. Who knows?

Nutritarianism and Health

I heard a new term today, the latest in food and health -- a nutritarian, not just a vegan. I had my first vegan meal tonight...well, except for a little butter to go with the delicious cornbread with no dairy or egg. I think it's the first of many vegan and nutritious meals. I'm going to call someone tomorrow who was told by doctors that there was nothing else they could do, and he needed to go home and spend the rest of his very short life with his family. That was two years ago and he's back at work now.

I want to believe in miracles, in turning my life around with healthy eating. I promise not to rant. I'm not a good rant-er besides. I'm skeptical, very much so. But other things have happened because of prayer and love and yes, good diet.

Stay with me. Tomorrow I go to see a nurse at the Breast Center and she will remove the dressing. I found myself ready to break down into sadness, felt the tears pushing up, but I was too tired to let it happen. It will come, and I will ride the wave and move to the next place soon enough.